Holding onto hope

A reflection on progress forward

This entry is a bit different than most, as it started as a voice recording I made right after I finished building my new dining room table, and later re-wrote it a bit and re-recorded, because my language when I’m fatigued is, well, a mess. Anyways, enjoy :)

I finally finished building the dining room table, and my first thought is, I'm very tired. Aaaand I could have asked for help but stubbornly, I am proud of doing it myself. In fairness, I had loved ones offer to help, but I insisted on doing it myself. Completing this task is a symbol of hope for me, for more reasons than one.

For starters, I was able to mentally handle following directions and building not 1 item, but 5 total (one table, and four chairs.)

Granted, this was in the span of like a few months not necessarily in 1 day, as I was really intentional on pacing myself to avoid any flares. But I did it by myself with my own two hands and my Long Covid brain! This is a really exciting development because just a few years ago I could barely follow simple instructions, let alone build anything. Long Covid has taken so much, but I’ve also found shifts forward (thanks to the use of supplemental oxygen, but that’s for a later time). So I’m celebrating this small win while also realizing the table itself has now become a physical manifestation of hope on more than one level.

As there are 3 other chairs at this table, my hope is one day there will be a world where I will feel comfortable having other people join me at my table for a meal. Shopping for this table was emotional because I didn't know, should I just buy a 2 seater table since I don’t currently share meals with others? But then I thought, well how long will you have this table? How long will it be like this? How long till we live in a world where sharing a meal with others doesn’t put your health at risk?

I wish I had these answers, but to me it just signifies hope for better days ahead. Making the decision to buy a 4 seated table was an intentional move - one to embrace hope. Hope for comfort in social experiences, where it’s safe to share meals with others without having to follow strict preventative measures beforehand. It’s so much easier to hold onto despair, especially with the current state of mask bans and general apathy regarding Covid. I’ve always been a glass half full kind of person, and holding onto this glimmer is no different.

Right now, as I’m voice recording (the first time) this there's a hummingbird flying right at me. Just a foot or two away from me. So yeah, I think I'm on the right track here, holding on to hope.

Yes!! I accept!